so
i've decided to really start using this.
to keep my mind in order.

so let's get started.

first off, i've been working as an intern this summer.
it's been very difficult, because of a lot of racial issues and other things that hurt my self esteem.
but i prefer not to write about it, as it is almost over.

it would seem my roommate broke up with her boyfriend at 3 am yesterday. personally, i can't stand her "i am a victim" attitude about life, and i have a tough time feeling bad for her. i admit it, i'm emotionally crippled.

but she has been crying. non. stop.

wake up? oh, let's start crying! eating? seems like a good time to cry! any other random time? time to start sobbing!~

0.o

i'm excited to be leaving here in a few days.

furthermore, i plan to start writing more.

holes
devoid of restraint, plunging within
something never meant to be opened.

sweat, sweet, a quiet hum
cheap poly-blend
love moans
"only you"
in the future i want
sounds to echo only off of the
finality of these last moments
and the soil to slip through my fingers

#

laughter that was left on the
cheap wooden bench
a river running
a piece of flax caught in your hair
or is it just my ridiculous imagination?
even if i didn't want it to end

but i'm not a liar
i like to touch the left over memories
and look at the moonlight
now there's nothing left
but grass stains
and a shade of green
i never wanted to know

#

that smile of yours
knowing and familiar like soup
you really meant it, didn't you?

i have no interest
the answer slips away
into the jet stream
because i let it

if i grabbed it,
would i even want?
or would it simply
dust and fade

The reasons why, I think, my life is so horrible right now are obvious.

Damned monetary crisis. Damned missing job.

Damned heavy suitcase.

More damned JR station staircases.

I really wish a ray of sunlight was waiting at my current destination. Something that would reassure me, and also give me a reason to apply at least spf 15. Metaphorically, at least. Not that actual sun would be bad.


But I'm not stupid. The weather report said today was going to be cloudy anyways.

#$%^&*()

"Listen, I don't have time for this right now. No, the files need to be THERE tomorrow...listen, can you sit down a second, sugar?...no, not you, get off your ASS and get those papers there ASAP."

Allow me to draw your attention away from this meaningless conversation and introduce myself.

Kato Shigeaki is 23. Allergic to cats, catepillars. Well, maybe not the latter, but they certainly aren't on Kato Shigeaki's best list.

He is soon to graduate from Aoyama, with a shiny black and white degree in law. The frame for said degree has yet to be purchased. Reason: currently unemployed, no future job prospects in sight.

Kato has a girlfriend: Miyazaki Yuki, 39, senior partner, lovely to meet you. After 1 year of sleeping together she refers to him on a regular basis as either "sugar" or "punky."

In public.

Humiliation. It's a kind of recurring theme in Kato-life. As a matter of fact, if this life was a novel studied by high school students, humiliation would be an excellent topic to write a paper on. Humiliation in Kato Shigeaki's life is something like the rampant homosexual undertones in Moby Dick.

Far too many incidents to pass by. A+ material, just watch for grammatical errors.

Conversation with earlier mentioned girlfriend, Miyazaki Yuki, 39, senior partner, lovely to meet you, will now resume, to prevent Kato Shigeaki from babbling any further, and to also put a stop to the way he is currently referring to himself in the third person.

The story, after all, hasn't progressed at all yet.

$%^&*()
Two quick and efficient clicks and the expenvie cellphone is on the table and Yuki's conversation with her assistant is over. Her tastefully manicured, papery thin hand leaves the shiny electronic and rests on my own hand.

"So tell me, Punky, how is the house/job front looking?" Yuki says playfully, a smile forming on her previously strained features.

When Miyazaki Yuki truthfully smiles, her her eyes crinkle and a warmth seems to bloom from a secret sunlit garden in her mouth. Corny, but still beautiful as hell.

Knowing that smile is directed at me most often, my chest tightens and I figure this is what love is.

"I've found a house to live in. Five other guys, but I'm lucky enough to have found a place for so cheap."

"Hmmmnnn? Five, huh. Do you get your own room?"

"The funny thing is, I tried to ask, but the guy I spoke to on the phone was..."

"So no news on finding a job?"

Miyazaki Yuki, 39, senior partner, lovely to meet you, has a tough time pretending to be interested in trivialities.

We mostly meet at love hotels anyways.

"I've been turned down by 3 firms since last monday." I can't even find an internship, and got rejected by the 7/11 next to my parent's house, but my pride omits those details.

"Well, it's a good thing you never quit at that coffee place. Listen, Sugar, I wish I could help out..."

"No! No! I've just run into a bit of hard luck. I really, really think things will get easier in a few months!" Yuki takes her hand away, and I clench my fist.

I've wondered what my smile looks like to Yuki.

Because it feels like the folds of my skin are cracking open, and I'm letting all the lies in my body illuminate my eyes in harsh flourescent light.

When I smile, I feel that I've never known what love is, and I never will. Furthermore, everything will continue to get worse, and my fake smiles will have to occur more and more.

Because, I think I forgot earlier. In the introduction.

To mention it, you know, must have slipped my mind.

Kato Shigeaki's life has a certain sense of doom to it.